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Written by Kandace
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Friday, 19 September 2008
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In all of our years, searching for the right man, wanting a man, needing any man, “Where the real men at?”
In all of our years, searching for the right man, wanting a man, needing any man, “Where the real men at?” babbling, I thought to myself, have we as women ever really took the time to figure out or ask what makes a man, a Man? Some of us are raising men, married to men, divorcing men, dislike men, etc. Have we ever took the time to delve into their mental make-up? When we’re relationship building have we sat our mate down and held an intellectual discussion on what makes them tick, why do they think they’re real men, disbarring the physical sense? Do we as women really want to know? Or in whatever they may do to annoy or agitate our psyche do we bottle cap it as, “That’s just a man, being a man?” So I had to ask myself, What makes a man, a man? If we can get on one accord with their thoughts and feelings then maybe what we see as insensitivity or cowardliness will enhance and give a new meaning to what we perceive a man to be.
I went to a trading firm to observe the male specie. The men in this office vary with age, experience, nationality, class, etc. I figured that with all this male testosterone circulating surely I could receive a response on what makes a man, a Man. The answers I received were vastly different ranging from a man becoming a man at age 12 if he’s Jewish, when he meets his wife (other ½), to another saying when he learns discipline and responsibility. One gentleman explained that a man really becomes a man when he realizes the lack of importance in hanging out with the guys or multiple women. “He becomes a man when he can treat his mate with courtesy and respect and can understand the ramifications and responsibilities that his actions will have on all involved.”
There was one response that stood out more than the rest and it read, “A man becomes a man when he has his first drink with his father. If his father doesn’t drink, it’s when he can resist the urge to drink, just like his father.” So, I got to thinking; is the question really what makes a man, a Man or who makes the man a Man? Often times we use our genetic makeup as a scapegoat for reasons we turn out the way we do or for the people we become. However, are we just little reminders and modified features of the people who created us?
Traditionally, a man’s father is supposed to be the most important figure in his life. The father is supposed to instill strength, support, respect, and the ability to assume head of household in the event of the father’s demise . “Just like his father” is what speaks volumes; the importance of a father but the strength to step into and fill his father’s shoes. But, what if one day he didn’t want to? He now needs the vigor to travel his own path, stand in his own shoes, and set a new precedent of masculinity.
A close acquaintance of mine described a memorable day with his father at a public restroom. He recalls standing next to his father and unzipping just as he was taught and as he prepared to remove what little he had, he looked to the left and was thoroughly amazed. He asked his father, “Hey, why doesn’t mine look like yours?” His father laughed, patted him on the back and said, “One day son.” Though this young man matured from the prepubescent toddler he was, he made the choice not to fulfill his father’s shoes later on in life. Size, was no longer the matter. Substance was first on his agenda. His father lacked substance. This man he wanted so desperately to emulate had become a man that he’d grow up to despise and later disown.
The beauty about the world we live in is that there are many traditions, morals, cultures and customs that we observe and participate in. There are also life and generational cycles that we either continue or break and though parents are our initial influence and guide throughout life, they are not our only and for a son to disassociate himself from his father, it’s clear that unjust circumstances and cycles warranted his decision.
A wise man once quoted Proverbs 15:33 which states that the fear of the Lord is the instruction of wisdom; and before honour is humility. I decided to share with you this wise man’s full response,“The one most important thing that makes a man a Man is his ability to deny himself, his pride, and being humble before almighty God. I believe the hardest thing in life, especially a Man's life is to realize how much things are not in his control...to understand that as time goes on we DO in fact change (for better or for worse) and whether we are willing to ACCEPT it is all up to us as MEN! So, the question is: as the tide of life comes in, what are we as MEN going to do about it? In the Bible it speaks of a time and a season...the ups and not so ups in life are very indicative of that...seasons, like the tide, come and go rather Naturally! But as men it’s not always so, we would rather a season stay a little longer than its supposed to or go a bit quicker than it lasts and until you find peace in what God has for you regardless of what that season or tide brings...you will only come away in this life with a mere Boys understanding of how great and awesome God is to have given you the ability to choose to ACCEPT or DENY this fact.
Simply put: With acceptance comes knowledge...with knowledge comes growth...with growth comes correction (Proverbs 15:10 - correction is grievous unto him that forsaketh the way: and he that hateth reproof shall die)...with correction comes experience...with experience comes wisdom and purpose. I believe once you understand your purpose as a man without doubt, qualms or uncertainty; being honest to God, yourself and those around you about who you REALLY are then this wisdom you've gained and newfound purpose leads to an implicit understanding and welcomed humility not only about being a man, but about LIFE. The only way as a Man you can embrace the life you have and understand what it truly takes to become a man is to be humble beneath whatever light God shines on you or seemed darkness (you feel) He has allowed you to stumble into.”
What better perspective of what makes a man a Man than to turn to our Heavenly Father for guidance. For it is written and characterized the duties of man and man’s purpose. Our Father, the creator and originator of all things has predestined each individual man for his kingdom building. He has genetically engineered man with life’s road map, detours, and destinations with choice decisions along the way. It takes a strong and wise man to realize when he has truly become a man. With his wisdom comes responsibility due to his accountability by God to uphold the “little light and darkness” that he has shed.
I asked earlier, what did we as women perceive a man to be? And though there is no right or wrong answer to this question. I believe a man is a reflection of substance and responsibility. Sins or ways of the father don’t have to be that of the sons. However, through life’s transgressions only can a male take on the title of a Man when during such encounters he understands and accepts liability. It was written that we are guaranteed hardships in this life but how we weather will determine the road ahead. Therefore, strength and lessons learned, if realized, only adds to his core. To endure mental warfare; rigorously convicting himself on to be or not to be, to accept life as it comes, to never regret, to never look back, and to know that he is fully capable and divinely made are superb ingredients for the makings of a Man. I urge women to go home and ask their partner, spouse, dad, son, etc. just what they feel makes a man, a Man? Then, tell them just why it is you love him.
© 2008. This article was excerpted with permission from Kandace Bowens. Permission to reprint is granted by the author. All reprints must state, “Reprinted with permission by Kandace Bowens. Originally published in www.WomensOnlineMagazine.com, September 2008.”
About the Author:
Kandace is a graduate of Penn State University where she received a BA in English with a focus in Sociology. She is the proud owner of IKandi Beauty & Spa and IKandi Consulting & Event Planning, both Florida based corporations. She currently resides in Chicago with her fiancé. |
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